There is there doubt that I am going through something. Whether I inadvertently fell into a 30s crisis (think midlife crisis, only this would be pertinent to the loss of my 20s), or, I am simply continuing to grow and change as would be expected with getting older. My guess is the latter.
It started a couple of weeks ago. I fell into a funk creatively, my head became cloudy and I lost focus. I had already begun a sort of spring cleaning. I began looking at relationships, past and present. With all my traveling, various places I've lived, and jobs that brought people in and out of my life, I felt that I had accumulated quite a great deal of friendships. The closer I looked, however, these friendships turned out to be more like acquaintances. Most of them, sadly enough, honestly served no purpose in my life. I found myself chasing people around, trying to keep in touch and keep up with everyone's life. It was exhausting. I realized very few people, with the exception of close friends and family, cared to chase me around and stay involved in my life. It happens. People are busy, they move on, things happen and friends grow apart.
I have always had a very hard time letting people go. I hang on and hang on, with the hope that whatever brought us together in the first place would spark a new energy and closeness. I really held on to the belief that everyone I had met from birth to present day could continue to be an active part in my life and I could keep up relationships with all these people.
Then something clicked in my head. It was alright to let go. My collection of people had become tiring and admittedly, frustrating. It is OK to say goodbye. And so I did. I started letting go of people in my life. Some metaphorically; in my mind I still had relationships with people. Upon closer examination, they were in fact, all in my mind. I let them go. Some happened online (as lame as that sounds, but concurrent with this day and age); I deleted people from my Facebook, which I rarely use anymore anyway. I cleaned out my email contact list. These are people I genuinely like, enjoyed time with, have cherished memories with, but no longer kept in contact with. I let them go. I said goodbye to 14+ year relationships and as I did, I allowed for the opportunity for any one of them to come into my life again, should our paths cross in the future. I let them go and stopped chasing, but told myself to keep my door open. Surprisingly enough, as the process went on, it became liberating. My fear of letting go all these years was unwarranted.
More revelations started occurring during the process as well. Other relationships became clearer. I saw who was truly close to me. I saw who I wanted to make an effort with and who was willing to make the effort with me. Soon afterwards, everything started to become clearer. The snow started to gather as the ball took off down the hill. Or, perhaps in keeping with what is going on, the chips began to fall. I let them fall as they may. I started to let go of ideas, refocus my path. I welcomed my intuition back as my guide, instead of what everyone else told me to do. I stopped pushing so hard, working so hard, and took a step back. I let life get simple again. I began running again and taking care of myself. The fog is finally lifting.
It is ironic how, at times, you are your own roadblock. It's easy to blame other people, circumstances, and events going on in your life. I certainly am no stranger to trying to dodge responsibility for my own actions, although I have to say I am getting better and better at owning my life. I am not finished with my spring cleaning. I have expanded to other areas. I am currently working on organizing my house, my computer files, pictures, and memories. I will let go of what doesn't serve me anymore and keep safe the things I want to use and pass on. I am working on not taking it personally when someone else needs to say goodbye to me. As I went through the process myself, I see it is not personal. It's merely a part of growing up. We can't stock pile people, just as we can't stock pile objects.
A calm is drifting in. And although I have a lot of work to do until I get to a place I am comfortable in, I feel like I'm getting somewhere and going places. I have stopped waiting for the circumstances to become perfect, stopped waiting for other people to join my cause, stopped relying on someone else or something else to aide me in my quest for peace, content, and creativity. I have always known that happiness lies within myself. I have practiced this in the past. Somewhere in the madness that was 2011, my direction became obscured. By making things more simple and putting one foot in front of the other, as opposed to dancing around like a wild woman, I am back on track. And so, the spring cleaning continues. As I write, I am cleaning out my mind and allowing for a new wave of motivation and creativity. I will continue to apply this metaphorical cleaning to my entire life. By summer, my leaf will be turned and I can sit back and enjoy the sunshine.
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