There is there doubt that I am going through something. Whether I inadvertently fell into a 30s crisis (think midlife crisis, only this would be pertinent to the loss of my 20s), or, I am simply continuing to grow and change as would be expected with getting older. My guess is the latter.
It started a couple of weeks ago. I fell into a funk creatively, my head became cloudy and I lost focus. I had already begun a sort of spring cleaning. I began looking at relationships, past and present. With all my traveling, various places I've lived, and jobs that brought people in and out of my life, I felt that I had accumulated quite a great deal of friendships. The closer I looked, however, these friendships turned out to be more like acquaintances. Most of them, sadly enough, honestly served no purpose in my life. I found myself chasing people around, trying to keep in touch and keep up with everyone's life. It was exhausting. I realized very few people, with the exception of close friends and family, cared to chase me around and stay involved in my life. It happens. People are busy, they move on, things happen and friends grow apart.
I have always had a very hard time letting people go. I hang on and hang on, with the hope that whatever brought us together in the first place would spark a new energy and closeness. I really held on to the belief that everyone I had met from birth to present day could continue to be an active part in my life and I could keep up relationships with all these people.
Then something clicked in my head. It was alright to let go. My collection of people had become tiring and admittedly, frustrating. It is OK to say goodbye. And so I did. I started letting go of people in my life. Some metaphorically; in my mind I still had relationships with people. Upon closer examination, they were in fact, all in my mind. I let them go. Some happened online (as lame as that sounds, but concurrent with this day and age); I deleted people from my Facebook, which I rarely use anymore anyway. I cleaned out my email contact list. These are people I genuinely like, enjoyed time with, have cherished memories with, but no longer kept in contact with. I let them go. I said goodbye to 14+ year relationships and as I did, I allowed for the opportunity for any one of them to come into my life again, should our paths cross in the future. I let them go and stopped chasing, but told myself to keep my door open. Surprisingly enough, as the process went on, it became liberating. My fear of letting go all these years was unwarranted.
More revelations started occurring during the process as well. Other relationships became clearer. I saw who was truly close to me. I saw who I wanted to make an effort with and who was willing to make the effort with me. Soon afterwards, everything started to become clearer. The snow started to gather as the ball took off down the hill. Or, perhaps in keeping with what is going on, the chips began to fall. I let them fall as they may. I started to let go of ideas, refocus my path. I welcomed my intuition back as my guide, instead of what everyone else told me to do. I stopped pushing so hard, working so hard, and took a step back. I let life get simple again. I began running again and taking care of myself. The fog is finally lifting.
It is ironic how, at times, you are your own roadblock. It's easy to blame other people, circumstances, and events going on in your life. I certainly am no stranger to trying to dodge responsibility for my own actions, although I have to say I am getting better and better at owning my life. I am not finished with my spring cleaning. I have expanded to other areas. I am currently working on organizing my house, my computer files, pictures, and memories. I will let go of what doesn't serve me anymore and keep safe the things I want to use and pass on. I am working on not taking it personally when someone else needs to say goodbye to me. As I went through the process myself, I see it is not personal. It's merely a part of growing up. We can't stock pile people, just as we can't stock pile objects.
A calm is drifting in. And although I have a lot of work to do until I get to a place I am comfortable in, I feel like I'm getting somewhere and going places. I have stopped waiting for the circumstances to become perfect, stopped waiting for other people to join my cause, stopped relying on someone else or something else to aide me in my quest for peace, content, and creativity. I have always known that happiness lies within myself. I have practiced this in the past. Somewhere in the madness that was 2011, my direction became obscured. By making things more simple and putting one foot in front of the other, as opposed to dancing around like a wild woman, I am back on track. And so, the spring cleaning continues. As I write, I am cleaning out my mind and allowing for a new wave of motivation and creativity. I will continue to apply this metaphorical cleaning to my entire life. By summer, my leaf will be turned and I can sit back and enjoy the sunshine.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
New life. New me. New blog.
My last post was in October. We had just moved to Maryland from Florida. Our daughter was 10 months old. My husband and I had gotten married in the end of September. He was away a lot, in training for the job that moved us to Maryland. In short, our life was chaotic. We were starting over. Then suddenly, we were transferred to Richmond, Virginia. Now, we are really starting over. And, this is my new blog.
I jump into everything head first. I just dive in. I don't test the waters, I don't look for waves, jellyfish, or even sharks. I take a running leap and think about the rest later. I shortly find myself floundering, unable to keep a float and not knowing what direction to swim in. So I start swimming in all different directions, hoping to find the right way. This is how it's been my entire life. I blame it on my creative brain, my artistic self that seems to know no boundaries. For a long time, I blamed other people for my chaos. It's me though, the root cause is always self infliction. My latest shooting star is my new business, Bee's Curiosity Shoppe.
In all honesty, I do not want this blog to be about my business at all. I am writing for myself, my own healing, and if someone out there happens to relate to it, hopefully it will help. That being said, the business will inevitably make a cameo here and there, such as today. The last couple of months I have poured myself into marketing this business. No plan, just dove right in. It was no surprise to myself that I quickly became lost, swallowed up in the social networking world of online business. I should be clear that I am grassroots kinda girl. I'm old school with an old soul. I prefer face to face conversation, I want to hear a voice and see a set of eyes. I like the personal connection, the intimacy of it all. I am also very intuitive when it comes to feeling people out. Give me a fresh, hot, cup of coffee in a cafe, and a physical human being on the other side of the table...that is how I like to do business. Put me behind a computer, and conversation is lost to me. I feel like my biggest asset, my intuition, is being blocked. That being said, I ignored my own strengths, took the advice of my peers, and set out on a social networking marketing campaign. "It is what will build my business." Etsy, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Pinterest, the list goes on. Are we serious?! My head is spinning from the all the different online networking avenues that we have created for ourselves. What ever happened to taking time out to meet people, to shake hands, to smile and look one another in the eye? What happened to personal touch?
Nevermind that I am quite simply not well versed in computers. I have a love/hate relationship with them that ultimately results in me mostly hating them. (I have crashed my computer twice in the the last two years. Two times.) Nevermind that I bobble about on Twitter and Facebook, searching my mind for things to say. I can't see anyone in front of me, so who am I speaking to?? Don't get me wrong, I think social networking and online marketing are fabulous tools and I am not going to sit here and pretend that I will discontinue their use and launch a pointless anti-social network crusade. What I am saying, however, is that I refuse to mourn the art of connecting with people on a personal level. I refuse to believe that this is how human beings will solely connect with each other. I miss the intimacy of human connection. I crave it. It is how I work best.
This week marks my week of change. It's my week of figuring out what works for me and my week to dump what does not. Or who does not. It's my week of being honest with myself, to look at my strengths and my weaknesses, to search my soul and let myself have fun. This extends to my personal life and relationships, I'm revamping it all and not concentrating merely on my business practices. I am constantly trying to evolve myself and strive to reach the next tier in my humble existence. If you skim through my previous blogs, you can see that this has been an ongoing process and always will be. It will start with getting back to my roots; my ability to connect to people, my love for writing and communicating, my passion for creativity and art. I feel that if I lead my life with happiness and heart, I will start to see my knot unravel and my head will begin to clear. Sitting behind my computer, typing what I had for lunch today, is not my cup of tea. Nor is slamming people with self promos all day long. I honestly care what people's thoughts, feelings, and ideas are. I really enjoy hearing what people have to say, if it is something of substance. (I personally don't care to hear what anyone else had for lunch either.) After this blog is sent, I will put my computer to rest, get myself and my daughter dressed and head out to enjoy the day and fresh air. Hopefully I will meet some really cool people during our adventures. I will let my life and business develop organically, without forcing myself to do things that honestly do not work for my personality. I may continue to dive right in, but the floundering about ain't gonna cut it anymore. What an interesting week this will be!
I jump into everything head first. I just dive in. I don't test the waters, I don't look for waves, jellyfish, or even sharks. I take a running leap and think about the rest later. I shortly find myself floundering, unable to keep a float and not knowing what direction to swim in. So I start swimming in all different directions, hoping to find the right way. This is how it's been my entire life. I blame it on my creative brain, my artistic self that seems to know no boundaries. For a long time, I blamed other people for my chaos. It's me though, the root cause is always self infliction. My latest shooting star is my new business, Bee's Curiosity Shoppe.
In all honesty, I do not want this blog to be about my business at all. I am writing for myself, my own healing, and if someone out there happens to relate to it, hopefully it will help. That being said, the business will inevitably make a cameo here and there, such as today. The last couple of months I have poured myself into marketing this business. No plan, just dove right in. It was no surprise to myself that I quickly became lost, swallowed up in the social networking world of online business. I should be clear that I am grassroots kinda girl. I'm old school with an old soul. I prefer face to face conversation, I want to hear a voice and see a set of eyes. I like the personal connection, the intimacy of it all. I am also very intuitive when it comes to feeling people out. Give me a fresh, hot, cup of coffee in a cafe, and a physical human being on the other side of the table...that is how I like to do business. Put me behind a computer, and conversation is lost to me. I feel like my biggest asset, my intuition, is being blocked. That being said, I ignored my own strengths, took the advice of my peers, and set out on a social networking marketing campaign. "It is what will build my business." Etsy, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Pinterest, the list goes on. Are we serious?! My head is spinning from the all the different online networking avenues that we have created for ourselves. What ever happened to taking time out to meet people, to shake hands, to smile and look one another in the eye? What happened to personal touch?
Nevermind that I am quite simply not well versed in computers. I have a love/hate relationship with them that ultimately results in me mostly hating them. (I have crashed my computer twice in the the last two years. Two times.) Nevermind that I bobble about on Twitter and Facebook, searching my mind for things to say. I can't see anyone in front of me, so who am I speaking to?? Don't get me wrong, I think social networking and online marketing are fabulous tools and I am not going to sit here and pretend that I will discontinue their use and launch a pointless anti-social network crusade. What I am saying, however, is that I refuse to mourn the art of connecting with people on a personal level. I refuse to believe that this is how human beings will solely connect with each other. I miss the intimacy of human connection. I crave it. It is how I work best.
This week marks my week of change. It's my week of figuring out what works for me and my week to dump what does not. Or who does not. It's my week of being honest with myself, to look at my strengths and my weaknesses, to search my soul and let myself have fun. This extends to my personal life and relationships, I'm revamping it all and not concentrating merely on my business practices. I am constantly trying to evolve myself and strive to reach the next tier in my humble existence. If you skim through my previous blogs, you can see that this has been an ongoing process and always will be. It will start with getting back to my roots; my ability to connect to people, my love for writing and communicating, my passion for creativity and art. I feel that if I lead my life with happiness and heart, I will start to see my knot unravel and my head will begin to clear. Sitting behind my computer, typing what I had for lunch today, is not my cup of tea. Nor is slamming people with self promos all day long. I honestly care what people's thoughts, feelings, and ideas are. I really enjoy hearing what people have to say, if it is something of substance. (I personally don't care to hear what anyone else had for lunch either.) After this blog is sent, I will put my computer to rest, get myself and my daughter dressed and head out to enjoy the day and fresh air. Hopefully I will meet some really cool people during our adventures. I will let my life and business develop organically, without forcing myself to do things that honestly do not work for my personality. I may continue to dive right in, but the floundering about ain't gonna cut it anymore. What an interesting week this will be!
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