Spring Cleaning

There is there doubt that I am going through something.  Whether I inadvertently fell into a 30s crisis (think midlife crisis, only this would be pertinent to the loss of my 20s), or, I am simply continuing to grow and change as would be expected with getting older.  My guess is the latter.

It started a couple of weeks ago.  I fell into a funk creatively, my head became cloudy and I lost focus.  I had already begun a sort of spring cleaning.  I began looking at relationships, past and present.  With all my traveling, various places I've lived, and jobs that brought people in and out of my life, I felt that I had accumulated quite a great deal of friendships.  The closer I looked, however, these friendships turned out to be more like acquaintances.  Most of them, sadly enough, honestly served no purpose in my life.  I found myself chasing people around, trying to keep in touch and keep up with everyone's life.  It was exhausting.  I realized very few people, with the exception of close friends and family, cared to chase me around and stay involved in my life.  It happens.  People are busy, they move on, things happen and friends grow apart.

I have always had a very hard time letting people go.  I hang on and hang on, with the hope that whatever brought us together in the first place would spark a new energy and closeness.  I really held on to the belief that everyone I had met from birth to present day could continue to be an active part in my life and I could keep up relationships with all these people.

Then something clicked in my head.  It was alright to let go.  My collection of people had become tiring and admittedly, frustrating.  It is OK to say goodbye.  And so I did.  I started letting go of people in my life.  Some metaphorically; in my mind I still had relationships with people. Upon closer examination, they were in fact, all in my mind.  I let them go.  Some happened online (as lame as that sounds, but concurrent with this day and age); I deleted people from my Facebook, which I rarely use anymore anyway.  I cleaned out my email contact list.  These are people I genuinely like, enjoyed time with, have cherished memories with, but no longer kept in contact with.  I let them go.  I said goodbye to 14+ year relationships and as I did, I allowed for the opportunity for any one of them to come into my life again, should our paths cross in the future.  I let them go and stopped chasing, but told myself to keep my door open.  Surprisingly enough, as the process went on, it became liberating.  My fear of letting go all these years was unwarranted.

More revelations started occurring during the process as well.  Other relationships became clearer.  I saw who was truly close to me.  I saw who I wanted to make an effort with and who was willing to make the effort with me.  Soon afterwards, everything started to become clearer.  The snow started to gather as the ball took off down the hill.  Or, perhaps in keeping with what is going on, the chips began to fall.  I let them fall as they may.  I started to let go of ideas, refocus my path. I welcomed my intuition back as my guide, instead of what everyone else told me to do.  I stopped pushing so hard, working so hard, and took a step back.  I let life get simple again.  I began running again and taking care of myself.  The fog is finally lifting.

It is ironic how, at times, you are your own roadblock.  It's easy to blame other people, circumstances, and events going on in your life.  I certainly am no stranger to trying to dodge responsibility for my own actions, although I have to say I am getting better and better at owning my life.  I am not finished with my spring cleaning.  I have expanded to other areas.  I am currently working on organizing my house, my computer files, pictures, and memories.  I will let go of what doesn't serve me anymore and keep safe the things I want to use and pass on.  I am working on not taking it personally when someone else needs to say goodbye to me.  As I went through the process myself, I see it is not personal.  It's merely a part of growing up.  We can't stock pile people, just as we can't stock pile objects.

A calm is drifting in.  And although I have a lot of work to do until I get to a place I am comfortable in, I feel like I'm getting somewhere and going places.  I have stopped waiting for the circumstances to become perfect, stopped waiting for other people to join my cause, stopped relying on someone else or something else to aide me in my quest for peace, content, and creativity.  I have always known that happiness lies within myself.  I have practiced this in the past.  Somewhere in the madness that was 2011, my direction became obscured.  By making things more simple and putting one foot in front of the other, as opposed to dancing around like a wild woman, I am back on track.  And so, the spring cleaning continues.  As I write, I am cleaning out my mind and allowing for a new wave of motivation and creativity.  I will continue to apply this metaphorical cleaning to my entire life.  By summer, my leaf will be turned and I can sit back and enjoy the sunshine.

New life. New me. New blog.

My last post was in October.  We had just moved to Maryland from Florida.  Our daughter was 10 months old.  My husband and I had gotten married in the end of September.  He was away a lot, in training for the job that moved us to Maryland.  In short, our life was chaotic.  We were starting over.  Then suddenly, we were transferred to Richmond, Virginia.  Now, we are really starting over.  And, this is my new blog.

I jump into everything head first.  I just dive in.  I don't test the waters, I don't look for waves, jellyfish, or even sharks.  I take a running leap and think about the rest later.  I shortly find myself floundering, unable to keep a float and not knowing what direction to swim in.  So I start swimming in all different directions, hoping to find the right way.  This is how it's been my entire life.  I blame it on my creative brain, my artistic self that seems to know no boundaries.  For a long time, I blamed other people for my chaos.  It's me though, the root cause is always self infliction.  My latest shooting star is my new business, Bee's Curiosity Shoppe.

In all honesty, I do not want this blog to be about my business at all.  I am writing for myself, my own healing, and if someone out there happens to relate to it, hopefully it will help.  That being said, the business will inevitably make a cameo here and there, such as today.  The last couple of months I have poured myself into marketing this business.  No plan, just dove right in.  It was no surprise to myself that I quickly became lost, swallowed up in the social networking world of online business.  I should be clear that I am grassroots kinda girl.  I'm old school with an old soul.  I prefer face to face conversation, I want to hear a voice and see a set of eyes.  I like the personal connection, the intimacy of it all.  I am also very intuitive when it comes to feeling people out.  Give me a fresh, hot, cup of coffee in a cafe, and a physical human being on the other side of the table...that is how I like to do business.  Put me behind a computer, and conversation is lost to me.  I feel like my biggest asset, my intuition, is being blocked.  That being said, I ignored my own strengths, took the advice of my peers, and set out on a social networking marketing campaign.  "It is what will build my business."  Etsy, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Pinterest, the list goes on.  Are we serious?!  My head is spinning from the all the different online networking avenues that we have created for ourselves.  What ever happened to taking time out to meet people, to shake hands, to smile and look one another in the eye?  What happened to personal touch?

Nevermind that I  am quite simply not well versed in computers.  I have a love/hate relationship with them that ultimately results in me mostly hating them.  (I have crashed my computer twice in the the last two years.  Two times.)  Nevermind that I bobble about on Twitter and Facebook, searching my mind for things to say.  I can't see anyone in front of me, so who am I speaking to??  Don't get me wrong, I think social networking and online marketing are fabulous tools and I am not going to sit here and pretend that I will discontinue their use and launch a pointless anti-social network crusade.  What I am saying, however, is that I refuse to mourn the art of connecting with people on a personal level.  I refuse to believe that this is how human beings will solely connect with each other.  I miss the intimacy of human connection.  I crave it.  It is how I work best.

This week marks my week of change.  It's my week of figuring out what works for me and my week to dump what does not.  Or who does not.  It's my week of being honest with myself, to look at my strengths and my weaknesses, to search my soul and let myself have fun.  This extends to my personal life and relationships, I'm  revamping it all and not concentrating merely on my business practices.  I am constantly trying to evolve myself and strive to reach the next tier in my humble existence.  If you skim through my previous blogs, you can see that this has been an ongoing process and always will be.  It will start with getting back to my roots; my ability to connect to people, my love for writing and communicating, my passion for creativity and art.  I feel that if I lead my life with happiness and heart, I will start to see my knot unravel and my head will begin to clear.  Sitting behind my computer, typing what I had for lunch today, is not my cup of tea.  Nor is slamming people with self promos all day long.  I honestly care what people's thoughts, feelings, and ideas are.  I really enjoy hearing what people have to say, if it is something of substance.  (I personally don't care to hear what anyone else had for lunch either.)  After this blog is sent, I will put my computer to rest, get myself and my daughter dressed and head out to enjoy the day and fresh air.  Hopefully I will meet some really cool people during our adventures.  I will let my life and business develop organically, without forcing myself to do things that honestly do not work for my personality.  I may continue to dive right in, but the floundering about ain't gonna cut it anymore.  What an interesting week this will be!  

The Balancing Act.

I am ashamed to say it's been a little over a month since my last post.  Of course, blogger conveniently points that out and keeps tabs on my procrastination.  Although, it hasn't been so much of a procrastination excuse as it is a baby excuse.  I have a wild woman on my hands!  I state this with the most affectionate intentions, however.  She is a breath of fresh air each and every day.  Her arrival has had me stumped to find my balance as far as juggling the day to day functions of life.  For the record, she arrived 10 months ago.  Yes, I've been teetering on the edge for a while now.

As my daughter's first birthday approaches, I have been reflecting on this past year.  A lot has happened, to say the least.  The most important being my daughter's birth.  I received my yoga teacher's certification just prior to that, I quit my job to become a stay at home mom, we moved from South Florida to Maryland, and I got married.  The marriage was as casual as I threw it in at the end, which was a perfect cherry on top of our many blessings.  It's been a year of firsts, a year of changes, a year of adjustments, and a year of becoming a full fledged grown up.  Now that I have all these exciting, momentous treasures in my life, finding balance has become quite the scavenger hunt.

The days of sitting in the sunlight meditating are a fuzzy visual of the past.  Hours upon hours of yoga are a craving, rather than routine.  I remember when my yoga practice had to be performed alone, perhaps at sunrise or late at night, with meditative music playing in the background, incense wafting through the house, lights dimmed.  Candles burning?  Sure, why not.  Fast forward to today.  Present day yoga practice goes more like this; fifteen minutes of sun salutations with a little person climbing on my back during cobra pose, sounds of dogs barking at the neighbors, the smell of dinner simmering in the crockpot (a newfound beloved friend of mine) at 2pm.  Mediation you ask?  That's funny.

Sharing my life with two other people, both depending on me from day to day, has been both the most profound blessing and a navigation of challenges.  Moving out on my own at eighteen has given me the opportunity to become a strong, independent woman.  Included in my independence comes my deeply embedded ways of doing things.  Cue one of the many challenges of life.  I am no longer by myself.  I am living with family again, this time my own.  Balancing my husband and daughter, along with my secondary loves such as yoga, running, cooking, writing, reading, working, creativity, and nature (to name a few), is not always a straight shot to sanity.  Sometimes, it can be an outright maze with a frantic race to the finish, resulting in some bruises from the inevitable running into walls.  Cue my deep appreciation for my mother.  I never received my copy of The Perfect Mother Manual, however.  

So how does she do it?  She meaning the woman at the grocery store zipping down aisles in her matching Nike jogging suit with their hair in a neat ponytail, kids quietly in tow as she checks her groceries off her Papyrus stationary list, undoubtedly going home to whip up a healthy creation of freshly prepared cuisine.  This, after a long day of work or perhaps even more astounding, running a successful business that she built brick by brick.  The truth?  You caught her on a good day.  Perhaps her best.  Motherhood brings everyone to their knees at some point or another.  My hero is the woman in the next aisle over from June Cleaver.  The woman frantically searching the aisles, having to retrace her steps because she was focused on keeping her sticky fingers cart passenger from stealing canned goods and missed the ground cloves that she will only use once but somehow made the cut on her grocery list that was written on the back of last weeks receipt with a sharpie because all of the pens in house vanished in thin air when she went to write it.  My hero is that woman because that woman is the real deal.  That woman is me.

Ok, so how do I do it?  My day to day routine and my day to day thought process is ever changing and evolving.  I admittedly have a ways to go before I would consider myself accomplished in the organization and efficiency department.  I have stopped looking at things as a whole, for one thing.  Looking at 20 things that need to be done all at the same time does nothing but create a road block for me that reads NO OUTLET TURN AROUND.  I have started looking at my day, my home, my life in pieces.  For example, the whole house needs cleaned...NOW.  Instead, I take 5 minutes to straighten up the couch and fold the blanket.  I take another 5 minutes in a pocket of my day to put the dishes away and wipe the kitchen down.  I surprise myself at the end of the day when there is only one or two things left to be done.  I wake up at 5:00am to have coffee and write or work alone.  When my husband is away for business and my angel is sleeping, I read.  I read and I read and I read.  Because I love it and opportunities to do it do not come as often as in the past.  The other area I have changed is my self inflicting torture.

It has taken me four attempts to finish this particular blog post and publish it.  I announced that Bee's Curiosity Shoppe would open on October 1st, 2011.  The actual date was October 4th.  Normally, I would beat myself up over these small details.  I would accredit my tardiness to laziness, disorganization, lack of motivation and determination.  The reality is that none of this is true.  The truth is that I am a mother, and my choice was to put motherhood first.  A decision that gives me great pride.  The reason I started Bee's Curiosity Shoppe was to give myself the opportunity to be my own superior and if a task takes a bit longer to complete, it's no big deal.  The idea is to consider it a hobby and strive to make it a career.  Business aside, however, the bigger picture is allowing myself to relax, to chill out.  No one deemed me perfect and told me to uphold the title.  Is in an unobtainable goal that is the true root of my frustrations, not the change in lifestyle or the mountain of tasks placed before me.  Everything of importance will get done at some time or another.

Lastly, I think the biggest change I have made, a constant work in progress, is learning to be honest with myself.  I have started to admit to myself that, at times, I am tired, frustrated, overwhelmed, or perhaps (gasp!) I am losing my patience.  Being honest is simply an extension of respecting myself and is actually quite liberating.  What a relief...I don't have to be perfect!  Honesty, combined with carving out bits of my day to nourish my mind and body (20 minutes of yoga instead of work while Baby Bee sleeps, for example), has really allowed me to start my days on an even playing field.

To top it all off, all this growth and striving to become a more well rounded person has deepened my appreciation for life and all it's riches.  It has also made me more calm and things bother me less.  I am adding facets to my personality and can quite possibly allow myself to be considered a diamond in the rough.  Balance is coming to me and I will only get better with practice.  My knot is unraveling, I will be a tight rope walker in no time.         

 

Daydream Believer

Every night, for years, I would go to bed and run through which daydream to fall asleep to.  Imagine how you drift off while in a daydream and somehow lose track of yourself.  This is what I would do at night to fall asleep.  I would imagine myself in various scenes of my life, different ages, with different people.  Sometimes these daydreams were brand new, sometimes I would conjure up an old stand by.  Last night, however, something very peculiar happened.  Normally, I'm out like a light as soon as the actual light is turned off.  Last night, however, my mind was on overdrive.  So, I decided to daydream myself to sleep.  To my surprise, however, I couldn't think of anything to wistfully transcend my wakefulness into slumber.  

I mentally ran through my rotary of fantasies.  Let's see, I could dream about the love of my life finally finding me and whisking me away into a life of happiness.  Or, I could turn over and look at him in person.  Ok, that one is out.  I could dream about the family I have always wanted, the beautiful baby with tender smiles and tiny hands.  Or, I could turn to my other side, to the sleeping angel that smells like fresh honeysuckle,  vanilla, and honey.  If I even get close to her angel face, I have to kiss it.  Yum.  Hmm, I guess I could always call to the old backup; running into an ex looking amazing, flawless, and perfect in every way.  We all have that one running around loose in our minds somewhere.  Although, that one didn't even do it for me.  There was no one I cared to run into and no one I cared enough about to care what they cared about.  In short, I didn't care.  My mental file cabinet of sleepytime dreams was EMPTY!  And then the realization wafted into my mind like the sweet smell of freshly baked muffins migrating through my home...  It happened.  My dreams had come true.  

I don't know how or when it happened.  But somewhere along the route of living life, my fantasy life had become my reality.  The man of my dreams came to find me.  The two of us created this beautiful little creature we call our daughter.  We three live in a cozy little home nestled in the forest and wake up to the sunlight bathing us in comfort and radiance.  And although it's not always perfect, our worries seem diminutive to the abundance of happiness, light, and baby smiles that we receive each and every day.  I thought to myself, as all this came flooding into my mind and heart last night, who needs to fall asleep to dreams when you can be thankful for the reality.  

I believe the reason Bee's Curiosity Shoppe is coming to the surface is because my path has finally been cleared.  The stresses, the worries, the chaos, the drama...it is all gone.  My light is shining brighter every day and I am striving for more dreams to become reality instead of wallowing in "what could have been".  The creative spirit that lived in me years ago went into hibernation and has just awoken to a beautiful life where it can flourish and thrive.  

I worked very hard to reach this point.  I shed baggage; my own and that of others.  I took an honest look at myself and worked on flaws that are definitely, at times, hard to admit.  I continue to work on improving myself and becoming a better person.  I closed the wounds that I left open.  I let the past go, let the future develop naturally, and started living in the present.  It was a climb, and I'm no where near the top.  I am not sure if I will ever reach the top.  But I know I am finished descending.  I fought so hard to have the life of my dreams.  It's when I stopped fighting, and starting living, that my life began to spin into transition.  I was so caught up in life, that it transformed right before my eyes.  What a lovely reward.   

My mind quieted as I thought of the metamorphosis of my life.  Everything softened and I relaxed.  I drifted off to sleep last night to story of my reality, my truth, and thinking how very blessed I really am.      

I'd rather live in a crayon box.

Did you ever think of a word, name, or place and take note of the color?  For example, when I think of Bee's Curiosity Shoppe, the words are in orange.  My name comes into my mind in red, my best friend's is delivered in a rose pink.  Baby Bee's name oddly changes back and forth from blue to yellow.  It is so interesting how color plays into moods, thoughts, and feelings.  As I was glancing around at all the bright colors of Bee's belongings and wandering, "At what age, do we switch to beige?"

I find it peculiar that we stop surrounding ourselves with the vivid hues of our childhood.  Children love color.  It stimulates them, piques their curiosity, and makes them happy.  Why is it then, as we get older, we tone down our life?  Personally, I know bright colors make me feel animated and cheerful.  Yet, we cruise the stores picking out couches the color of charcoal, carpet the color of the Sunday paper (as in the inside of the paper, not the front cover), white linens, and "cream" colored dishes.  For the sake of imagination, would you rather live in a shoebox or a crayon box?

My thoughts on color and how it effects every day life was actually aroused months ago.  After Bee was born, I found myself wearing clothes stripped of color.  White, black, gray...black, gray, white.  It was quite the anomaly to my pre-pregnancy attire.  Now that the pregnancy weight is gone and I'm not stuffing myself into clothes like a sausage link, my love for the crayon box has returned.  My insecurities had caused me to turn myself into a walking black and white photograph.  This discovery had encouraged me to evaluate the way I use color according to how I am feeling, and how I could use it to my advantage.  It also started the ball rolling that maybe Baby Bee was onto something with her attraction to dynamic, bold colors.

Since the arrival of our little Bee, our bathroom has changed from a subdued, Earth toned shower curtain with matching bronze accessories and muted rugs to vibrantly bright blue, green, orange, and red sea creatures dancing along the shower, ducky and fishy (think Nemo) rugs, and towels the color of a Cheerio box.  The shocker is, I like it better.  It is playful, happy, it makes me feel good when I walk in.  My inner child is awakened.  Even the colorful toys strewn about the house during the day doesn't bother me.  It's a sign of life.  And I want more of it.  I crave it.  I would like to re-introduce my adult self to my inner child.  They deserve to be friends.

The whole idea behind Bee's Curiosity Shoppe is to inspire people to unearth their inner child.  We want people to embrace their imagination and not shy away from their creative selves.  I survey our spare bedroom, which is adorned with all the current art for sale.  It inspires me to add even more splashes of color to the rest of the house.  I want to transition from the shoe box to the crayon box.  Writing these blogs and letting Bee's Curiosity Shoppe develop organically and creatively, as well as being present in Baby Bee's world has brought me new life and light.  A light that I want to share and spread.  I feel that the more color I bring into my own surroundings, the more I can distribute to others.  It is time to jump into action.  I will transform my home by seeing through the eyes of my inner child.

So the next time you are tempted to scoff at that tomato red couch or pumpkin colored shag rug, stop and reconsider.  Let the child in you emerge and be free to embrace the rainbow.  It really is amazing what can be life changing.

Stay tuned for part 2: my transition into the crayon box.... 

The Color of the Kitchen

The task was put to me as simply as this; upon request, dinner was to be rich, cheesy, and contain jalapenos.  I will admit, my cooking skills leave much to be desired.  I am not completely hopeless though, no where near it.  I know my way around the kitchen, I cook every night.  Living with a chef, however, lends the stakes to be very high.  There are not many dishes that come back to the kitchen with the seal of approval which is composed of an enthusiasic "it's ok, I'd eat it again."  That has been my highest praise in the way of food so far and I'm not sure how many stars that would warrant.

I love to cook.  I love being in the kitchen.  It's my favorite place in the house, in any house.  Whenever we move into a new place, the kitchen is put together first.  The kitchen is where family is taken care of.  We nourish our children, our partners; we celebrate milestones, holidays, birthdays.  We cook for pleasure, for comfort, sometimes in mourning.  Conversations around the family table are priceless.  The kitchen is the heart of the home.  It puts life into a family and I I feel alive when I am in the kitchen preparing and creating.

Last night I was in the kitchen, preparing dinner.  Baby Bee was at my feet, the sound of the children playing football in the yard took the place of my usual choice of reggae music.  Yellow rice the color of sunshine was boiling, I was slicing into the most vibrantly red peppers that were so deliciously sweet I couldn't stop eating them raw.  The house was soon filled by the delightful aroma of spices, fresh food, love.  All five senses were ignited and I was feeling the light of happiness.  I thought to myself, as I glanced around at the array of colors, inhaled the fresh scents, the sounds of the sauteing onions and the soft slicing of those peppers, if this isn't art I don't know what is.  Just as in our art in Bee's Curiosity Shoppe, this food was sparking my imagination as well as soothing my soul.  Art is everywhere.  Creativity is everywhere, begging to be provoked.  The world is full of wonder and even the simplest of tasks can be surrendered to and evolve into an adventure.

As my business evolves, it has always been in the back of my mind to invoke wonder and amazement and creativity through our artwork.  The hope is that when our art is hung in a living room, a hospital room, a kitchen, or wherever its journey takes it, it sparks the imagination that is so prevalent among children.  Just because you have to grow up, it doesn't mean you have to leave a colorful world of curiosity behind.  I am blessed to have my daughter to remind me everyday how amazing everything is around us and each day is what we make of it.  Cooking can be made to be a hurried chore, or it can be given the chance to blossom into an animated show of the senses.  Happiness is free for the taking.

Oh, and the dinner was not rich, not cheesy, and did not contain jalapenos.  BUT, afterwards I heard, "this is pretty good."  Wow!     

A new beginning...time for change.

Time has never been on my side.  That's the version in my head.  In reality, it goes more like this; I have poor time management skills and I often find myself meandering down a path of daydreams and/or delving deep into the information superhighway...looking at useless information.  Now that I have made the decision to start my own business, a change is in order.

I often asked myself how mothers have managed to start their own business, make it a success, run this booming business, and all while raising children.  They do it though.  They make it work.  What do I have to be afraid of? I have a child, not children.  And, bless her heart, she's an angel.  I am fortunate enough to stay home with her, I am an intelligent human being (never mind the fact that "intelligent" was just auto-corrected), I am creative, motivated, independent.  I can do this!  Now, to find the time.

Where do you look for time?  Does it magically appear, as if lowered from the battens, thrust on stage?  Ta-da!!  Time has arrived!  No, that can't be it.  Oooooohhhhh, I have to MAKE time.  I'm looking for something that cannot be found.  No one is going to knock on my door and hand me an envelope with two hours of complete, uninterrupted silence so that I may fulfill my wishes of an independent, ever growing business.  Huh, imagine that.  I guess this is where the change has to come in.

Today, I woke up at 5am...on my own....no alarm.  I admit, I did lay awake next to my little girl and watch her sleep for 50 minutes.  No one said change can happen over night.  At least not in my book it won't.  Coffee was already brewed, thanks to the man in my life, so "officially" up at 6am and ready to get rockin.  Feed dogs, coffee, cereal.... Oh wait; take dogs out first, feed dogs, coffee, cereal, set the computer up....I'm ready to go.  Blog or logo, blog or logo?  Getting the logo up is probably most important.  The blog won out in attempt to start off my first day at my new job with minimal stress.  Ha.  Ha.  Ha.  Gadgets, widgets, wadgets....I should have known better.  I am quite the old soul when it comes to technology.  I've got mailing a letter down to a science however.  Time to get my feet wet.  My business is not going to sprout up merely on the coat tails of daydreams.

Here I am.  It's begun.  The business logo is still tucked away, but I've written my first words.  I am starting to introduce myself.  I am putting myself out there.  One thing I am proud of is that I have always been my biggest cheerleader.  It's the naysayers that always seem to beat me down.  Not this time though.  I am armed and ready.  New baby, new state, new city, new business, even a new car.  I have a fresh start and I love anything fresh.  I. AM. MOTIVATED.  And just like my daughter is learning to walk, my steps will become less shaky.  I will find my balance.  Maybe a change is not in order after all.  My time has come and the Lioness that I have been putting in the corner is ready to shine.  I am a fierce warrior.  I can do this.